Today and this week I get to glimpse the life ahead.
My oldest daughter was accepted into a Tech program through this summer, her senior year, and will graduate soon after she finishes High school. She's doing Beauty school. (Like her Momma) So she leaves every evening through the week from 3-9. She is enjoying it and I think she will do a great job.
My second is gone for camp. She will be home a couple of weeks then off to Las Vegas to Nanny for my brothers kids. I have had this year to build my relationship with her. So I will be missing her something awful. But I think all of these things will be SO good for her.
The Hubbs is running his second Ironman this Sunday in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. I have a little apprehension for some reason and am trying to decide why. But I think he needs to go and I need to be here for my kids. Maybe I am just nervous for him. But he has trained hard and he has done it before.
SO this week it will mostly be my son and I. I have been home alone plenty of times. But right now it feels a little empty.
I really like this group of people I have been so blessed to live with. I have a great husband and I have fantastic kids. I am not liking the feeling as my "Nest" gets less crowded. But I think I am grateful to ease into the next phase with little glimpses instead of them all going at once.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Reset? and a Remembrance.
Sunday as I was leaving church the idea came to me.
Maybe I'm not "lost" Maybe I am being reset.
Reset to take on better things. To drop the old and make room for better.
I like this idea. so Now I need to allow that to happen. Get up in the morning ready for any new adventure ahead. I guess I'm not totally ready yet because I'm not there yet. I still have a bit to learn. But I am trying. And my own use of time needs to be addressed and adjusted. But thats all part of resetting right?
The Drapers.
Val Draper was my Bishop in Heber. He was a fantastic man. The youth loved him and the adults did too. He was fun and friendly and was usually the start of some massive water fights. Including on Trek where he smuggled in a pump water gun and hammered all the kids as they crossed the river. He had a "Moses Moment" when on the first silent River crossing he escorted his sweet wife across first then walked back to the middle of the river, planted his walking stick in and oversaw the crossing of the youth and leaders. My oldest daughter was a tiny new beehive and got caught in a current. He reached out and grabbed her as she was going under and escorted her safely to the other side before going back to the center for the rest.
If there was one person better than Bishop, It was his beautiful wife Kathy. She was a Strong, Silent type. She had a soft spoken way about her but a fierce testimony. She was always serving and was the kindest person. She was my Visit teaching companion. And I was honored to have that time with her.
A year ago, Sunday May 6, 2012 They attended the baby blessing of one of their adored grandchildren in Eagle Mountain. That afternoon, Matt was out jogging and said there mush be a bad wreck in the canyon. A bunch of ambulances and cop cars were heading out that way.
Later we had a knock on our door. An upset daughter of the YW president across the street told us that the accident was the Drapers. Sister Draper had died and Bishop was in critical condition. They had 2 grand children with them. An 11 year old girl and a Baby girl. Both being taken to hospitals.
Soon all the ward/neighborhood was outside. Walking around letting other neighbors know. Sharing concern, stories and tears. I knew in my mind that Bishop would not want to let her go without him. They had met in High school and married soon after he completed his mission. He adored her. She loved him. and it was a Love story worthy of a book. Soon word came that He had died and the Baby had as well.
We had to gather. We had to be together as a ward family. We met that evening in our chapel to remember. As I sit here I am crying at the memory of the feeling of that room. You have never seen a fuller more silent chapel. (until their funeral that is. It was a 3 hour wait in the chapel for the viewing.)
The first councilor of our Stake Presidency had been to the hospital. He was able to sit with Bishop after he had passed. He said he'd had the distinct feeling that Bishop was allowed to choose. I knew he couldn't let his beloved wife go.
Now a year later they still touch my life. I still smile at my mental images of him. Of the annual YM/YW Bishops water fight.
Maybe I'm not "lost" Maybe I am being reset.
Reset to take on better things. To drop the old and make room for better.
I like this idea. so Now I need to allow that to happen. Get up in the morning ready for any new adventure ahead. I guess I'm not totally ready yet because I'm not there yet. I still have a bit to learn. But I am trying. And my own use of time needs to be addressed and adjusted. But thats all part of resetting right?
The Drapers.
Val Draper was my Bishop in Heber. He was a fantastic man. The youth loved him and the adults did too. He was fun and friendly and was usually the start of some massive water fights. Including on Trek where he smuggled in a pump water gun and hammered all the kids as they crossed the river. He had a "Moses Moment" when on the first silent River crossing he escorted his sweet wife across first then walked back to the middle of the river, planted his walking stick in and oversaw the crossing of the youth and leaders. My oldest daughter was a tiny new beehive and got caught in a current. He reached out and grabbed her as she was going under and escorted her safely to the other side before going back to the center for the rest.
If there was one person better than Bishop, It was his beautiful wife Kathy. She was a Strong, Silent type. She had a soft spoken way about her but a fierce testimony. She was always serving and was the kindest person. She was my Visit teaching companion. And I was honored to have that time with her.
A year ago, Sunday May 6, 2012 They attended the baby blessing of one of their adored grandchildren in Eagle Mountain. That afternoon, Matt was out jogging and said there mush be a bad wreck in the canyon. A bunch of ambulances and cop cars were heading out that way.
Later we had a knock on our door. An upset daughter of the YW president across the street told us that the accident was the Drapers. Sister Draper had died and Bishop was in critical condition. They had 2 grand children with them. An 11 year old girl and a Baby girl. Both being taken to hospitals.
Soon all the ward/neighborhood was outside. Walking around letting other neighbors know. Sharing concern, stories and tears. I knew in my mind that Bishop would not want to let her go without him. They had met in High school and married soon after he completed his mission. He adored her. She loved him. and it was a Love story worthy of a book. Soon word came that He had died and the Baby had as well.
We had to gather. We had to be together as a ward family. We met that evening in our chapel to remember. As I sit here I am crying at the memory of the feeling of that room. You have never seen a fuller more silent chapel. (until their funeral that is. It was a 3 hour wait in the chapel for the viewing.)
The first councilor of our Stake Presidency had been to the hospital. He was able to sit with Bishop after he had passed. He said he'd had the distinct feeling that Bishop was allowed to choose. I knew he couldn't let his beloved wife go.
Now a year later they still touch my life. I still smile at my mental images of him. Of the annual YM/YW Bishops water fight.
Yesterday without realizing it was the anniversary. My oldest and I were sharing memories of these 2 wonderful people. As we came out of a building there was a sudden down pour. We hurried to our car and didn't think much of it. Later I was reminded of the date and I realized the down pour was not a coincidence. If I had realized sooner I would have danced in the rain and shaken a fist heavenword and smiled as I yelled "Bishop!"
I Love you both and miss you terribly.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
My testimony today
My dear friend and I met the men who would become our husbands within months of each other. We were married a week apart. They struggled to have kids. They adopted 3 then were surprised when they were able to get pregnant with 2 more. The older of which was baptized yesterday.
LaDena's husband Mark has battled cancer (sarcoma) the past 4 years. With multiple tumors and a "heroic" level of treatments. This past month he has been unable to breath. The lining around his lung has filled with fluid. Every other day they removed 2+ liters of fluid till finally they put in a port so they could drain at home.
The next part I want to say is copied and pasted excerpts from Ladena's blog.
This afternoon he surprised me by stating he wanted to teach his class. I immediately thought "no way!" but realized that this is so important to him that he had prayed for strength to do it in our family prayer. I knew not to argue with his decision and said that I would go with him and make sure he was alright. I helped him get dressed for church. He slowly buttoned up his white shirt and adjusted his tie. He looked me in the eye and said, "I love wearing the uniform for the army of God. To be called to serve Him and teach His message." That is so Mark. Of course, that made me cry. He was exhausted just going up the stairs into the church. He meditated right up until he gave the lesson, which was "Are you prepared to meet God?" I brought a pack of tissues, because this was not going to be easy to discuss right now (for me). It was beautiful. Most of the lesson was a discussion of how to balance complacency and zeal in the gospel.
This man is within weeks of leaving this life. He is in constant pain and can barely move by himself. Yet teaching this lesson was So important to him.
Each week we come to church. We hear a lesson again. We sort of have the same discussion. It is easy to become complacent. I'm not sure if it was said in Relief Society recently or where I heard it. But someone said. "You can't eat one meal and be satisfied for life" We repeat things for them to find place in our hearts.
Marks words have stuck with me all week. "I love wearing the uniform for the army of God. To be called to serve Him and teach His message." Do we realize as we get dressed each Sunday, or even every day that we are a member of the "Army of God" do we pay attention to that uniform? Are we representing him well? And do we realize that We are called to serve Him? To teach His word.
This morning Marks Facebook post was "Bucket list complete". Yesterday Mark was wheeled into the church dressed in white. With the help of neighbors/ friends he was helped into the font so he could baptize his daughter.
I am so thankful for the lesson this has been to me. This is a true testimony of enduring to the end.
I am trying to relocate the me I lost a while ago. I'm trying to relocate my talents and interests. But God is on my side. He loves me. He wants me to succeed. But he will teach me some lessons along the way so that I can come through stronger. And be a more valiant member of His army. So that I can better serve Him and teach His word.
LaDena's husband Mark has battled cancer (sarcoma) the past 4 years. With multiple tumors and a "heroic" level of treatments. This past month he has been unable to breath. The lining around his lung has filled with fluid. Every other day they removed 2+ liters of fluid till finally they put in a port so they could drain at home.
The next part I want to say is copied and pasted excerpts from Ladena's blog.
This afternoon he surprised me by stating he wanted to teach his class. I immediately thought "no way!" but realized that this is so important to him that he had prayed for strength to do it in our family prayer. I knew not to argue with his decision and said that I would go with him and make sure he was alright. I helped him get dressed for church. He slowly buttoned up his white shirt and adjusted his tie. He looked me in the eye and said, "I love wearing the uniform for the army of God. To be called to serve Him and teach His message." That is so Mark. Of course, that made me cry. He was exhausted just going up the stairs into the church. He meditated right up until he gave the lesson, which was "Are you prepared to meet God?" I brought a pack of tissues, because this was not going to be easy to discuss right now (for me). It was beautiful. Most of the lesson was a discussion of how to balance complacency and zeal in the gospel.
This man is within weeks of leaving this life. He is in constant pain and can barely move by himself. Yet teaching this lesson was So important to him.
Each week we come to church. We hear a lesson again. We sort of have the same discussion. It is easy to become complacent. I'm not sure if it was said in Relief Society recently or where I heard it. But someone said. "You can't eat one meal and be satisfied for life" We repeat things for them to find place in our hearts.
Marks words have stuck with me all week. "I love wearing the uniform for the army of God. To be called to serve Him and teach His message." Do we realize as we get dressed each Sunday, or even every day that we are a member of the "Army of God" do we pay attention to that uniform? Are we representing him well? And do we realize that We are called to serve Him? To teach His word.
This morning Marks Facebook post was "Bucket list complete". Yesterday Mark was wheeled into the church dressed in white. With the help of neighbors/ friends he was helped into the font so he could baptize his daughter.
I am so thankful for the lesson this has been to me. This is a true testimony of enduring to the end.
I am trying to relocate the me I lost a while ago. I'm trying to relocate my talents and interests. But God is on my side. He loves me. He wants me to succeed. But he will teach me some lessons along the way so that I can come through stronger. And be a more valiant member of His army. So that I can better serve Him and teach His word.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Exercise and Gratitude
I have started running again. I downloaded a prep for 5k app. (lolo easy5k) The man that does it talks you through the intervals. Music plays to the beat helping to set the pace. It has been good. I know I am not reporting to anyone but I feel like I have to check in and "show up" for my run every other day.
I really don't "Love" running. But I do like how I feel when I'm done. I like the pushing through to the end. I like the shower afterwords.
I saw on Good Morning America a Hula Hoop workout. It makes sense to me. The abs have to really work to keep that thing going. So I bought a hula Hoop today. I hurt my shoulder. Figures. Oh well I'll work at it and try to use those core muscles.
Yesterday was a hard day looking at social/ emotional problems of my kids and of course myself. But There were a couple of little blessings from the day. Getting to my sons school there were 2 parking spots available to choose. I passed one to get to the other. When I got out of my car I saw that someone had emptied their bowl of Fruit Loops onto the ground. right where I would have stepped If I had chosen the closer spot. So I am taking that as a blessing.
The other blessing. The hubs gave me his debit card to grocery shop. he told me an amount I could spend. I made up a menu and my list. We quickly got those items and I knew I had plenty of money to go. I made some Real steps towards some food storage. When we rung up I hit Right at the limit. then the shopper card kicked in and dropped us down by 1/4th. I was so thrilled. We got home and all the kids pitched in to clean the pantry and the fridge so we could get it all nice and organized. It was funny how good we all felt to have done that. I decided I will credit the cost and the joyfulness of my house afterwards to being another blessing. And I am thankful.
I really don't "Love" running. But I do like how I feel when I'm done. I like the pushing through to the end. I like the shower afterwords.
I saw on Good Morning America a Hula Hoop workout. It makes sense to me. The abs have to really work to keep that thing going. So I bought a hula Hoop today. I hurt my shoulder. Figures. Oh well I'll work at it and try to use those core muscles.
Yesterday was a hard day looking at social/ emotional problems of my kids and of course myself. But There were a couple of little blessings from the day. Getting to my sons school there were 2 parking spots available to choose. I passed one to get to the other. When I got out of my car I saw that someone had emptied their bowl of Fruit Loops onto the ground. right where I would have stepped If I had chosen the closer spot. So I am taking that as a blessing.
The other blessing. The hubs gave me his debit card to grocery shop. he told me an amount I could spend. I made up a menu and my list. We quickly got those items and I knew I had plenty of money to go. I made some Real steps towards some food storage. When we rung up I hit Right at the limit. then the shopper card kicked in and dropped us down by 1/4th. I was so thrilled. We got home and all the kids pitched in to clean the pantry and the fridge so we could get it all nice and organized. It was funny how good we all felt to have done that. I decided I will credit the cost and the joyfulness of my house afterwards to being another blessing. And I am thankful.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Realizing
Just spent the past hour analyzing my son and preparing a school accommodations plan for him.
Going to those and learning/ hearing just how much work it takes for my boy to get through a day of school breaks my heart. He is not able to be the caring, empathetic person I see because it takes every ounce of him to hold himself together. Then the slightest thing will set him off and ruin the productiveness and the attitude for the rest of the day.
All along I have blamed his Dad for the social issues. He is SO much like his Dad. But today it hit me how all his emotional issues are probably mine. The things I have tried to bury and not let have a place in my life. But burying it, not acknowledging it, pretending its not there. Doesn't make it true. It just puts it somewhere deep to fester and grow. And tear you apart from the inside out.
Now I am trying to give place to these things for myself. Trying to figure out what needs I actually have and give value to them. But now they are staring me in the face. I hid them away from everyone pretending my bluster of confidence while the inside scream from the damage. My son wears them on his sleeve. I kind of appreciate that he isn't hiding it but it makes him an odd kid.
In the end neither of us have a good coping method.
Maybe I should go to school for psychiatry. I can finally figure myself out while learning how to help my kids.
Going to those and learning/ hearing just how much work it takes for my boy to get through a day of school breaks my heart. He is not able to be the caring, empathetic person I see because it takes every ounce of him to hold himself together. Then the slightest thing will set him off and ruin the productiveness and the attitude for the rest of the day.
All along I have blamed his Dad for the social issues. He is SO much like his Dad. But today it hit me how all his emotional issues are probably mine. The things I have tried to bury and not let have a place in my life. But burying it, not acknowledging it, pretending its not there. Doesn't make it true. It just puts it somewhere deep to fester and grow. And tear you apart from the inside out.
Now I am trying to give place to these things for myself. Trying to figure out what needs I actually have and give value to them. But now they are staring me in the face. I hid them away from everyone pretending my bluster of confidence while the inside scream from the damage. My son wears them on his sleeve. I kind of appreciate that he isn't hiding it but it makes him an odd kid.
In the end neither of us have a good coping method.
Maybe I should go to school for psychiatry. I can finally figure myself out while learning how to help my kids.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
History
Anger is not an addition in your daily mathematical problem. It is an exponent. It multiplies whatever you are doing. More than anything it serves as a vehicle for isolation. When you have already been isolated by injury, Anger creates a real sense of hopelessness.
Steven Tobolowsky, the Tobolowsky files podcast
December 09
My neighbor asked me to come work in their optical. I thought they were crazy. I was a hair stylist. I said no. They asked again. And again and one more time. (Right now, looking back I think I accepted because it kept coming up, maybe there was something to that. But now I wonder if I should have said no one last time.) I worked there for a year and a half. I enjoyed it so much. I was the buyer. I managed the inventory. And I was Good at that. I also cut the lenses. I loved my job. One year later they expanded the office. I helped anywhere I could. While moving my work multiple times. Finally in a new location I set up my work space. And I thought things were going well. Except for one new component. The doctors wife.
My long time friend started coming into the office to check on the remodel. But then started running everything. She started whittling away at the things I enjoyed about my job to make room for little things that any of the 4 other employees had more time and resources to do anyway. She is excessively into details. The way I explain it is she pulls out one puzzle piece and questions it to death wanting to complete the puzzle without ever looking at the rest of the pieces.
Her management style brought tension, stress and second guessing everything in the office. One of the girls started stirring everyone up against this making everything worse. It finally came up with my friend. I spoke to my friend As a friend to let her know that the office was very tense. I was scared and didn't say what I wanted to very well. In the end I brought up the problem that the other girls wanted addressed. Then when it was brought to them they back peddled, leaving me hanging. I was given the following choice.
"The other ladies said they still like you and would be alright if you stayed. But if you thought I micromanaged before I will be over you with everything you do. Or you can choose to leave"
I saw no choice there. That was the last time I had any association with that friend. I felt like 7 years of friendship, trust, help, traded-best friend children meant nothing to the discomfort of truth. To something totally fixable.
June 2012
Since then we moved to bountiful, we like it here. And just before we moved I got a job in an optical in West Valley. Much different running style with a doctor that was mostly concerned with the money he took home to his 3 million dollar house. After 3 months his business was doing the normal end of summer slow down. He was worried. Out of the blue one day called me in and let me go.
March 2013
Another optical job came up. In Cottonwood Heights. It seemed wonderful at first. But very different from my training. They had a strong lens cutter and kept no real inventory list. The owner started training me but then stopped talking to me. She had so much garbage at home that she would carry in. It got to where she would only talk to me when I made a mistake and not to teach me or help me.
April 16, 2013
I walked into work and she said "it's just not working."
This was alright. I have started some serious anxiety meds since working there. There was a lot of alcohol moving through that office. No one went to church. And there were so many drug stories within the families of those I worked with. I almost wonder if my "death Nell" was when asked "Do you have all of these problems in your family?" I could honestly answer -No-
So again. I am out of a job. It is really hard to not wonder what is wrong with me. And I do want to do some of that so that I can learn, reset and restart. But the nasty voices in my head work their hardest too.
I am looking back and wondering if that first 4 times I said No was where I should have stayed with that? We would probably have not moved which I think we needed. Am I a total, screw up or have I just been in bad situations.
Maybe optical is not for me.
But then
I am an excellent buyer.
I Rock at inventory,
I Rock at frame adjusting.
I am very good at helping people select.
I hate insurance and dealing with money. That's where i struggle. But I'm getting closer to figuring it out. If only someone would train me. Because quite honestly I have done ALL of the above on VERY little training. And I love working in the optical.
Steven Tobolowsky, the Tobolowsky files podcast
December 09
My neighbor asked me to come work in their optical. I thought they were crazy. I was a hair stylist. I said no. They asked again. And again and one more time. (Right now, looking back I think I accepted because it kept coming up, maybe there was something to that. But now I wonder if I should have said no one last time.) I worked there for a year and a half. I enjoyed it so much. I was the buyer. I managed the inventory. And I was Good at that. I also cut the lenses. I loved my job. One year later they expanded the office. I helped anywhere I could. While moving my work multiple times. Finally in a new location I set up my work space. And I thought things were going well. Except for one new component. The doctors wife.
My long time friend started coming into the office to check on the remodel. But then started running everything. She started whittling away at the things I enjoyed about my job to make room for little things that any of the 4 other employees had more time and resources to do anyway. She is excessively into details. The way I explain it is she pulls out one puzzle piece and questions it to death wanting to complete the puzzle without ever looking at the rest of the pieces.
Her management style brought tension, stress and second guessing everything in the office. One of the girls started stirring everyone up against this making everything worse. It finally came up with my friend. I spoke to my friend As a friend to let her know that the office was very tense. I was scared and didn't say what I wanted to very well. In the end I brought up the problem that the other girls wanted addressed. Then when it was brought to them they back peddled, leaving me hanging. I was given the following choice.
"The other ladies said they still like you and would be alright if you stayed. But if you thought I micromanaged before I will be over you with everything you do. Or you can choose to leave"
I saw no choice there. That was the last time I had any association with that friend. I felt like 7 years of friendship, trust, help, traded-best friend children meant nothing to the discomfort of truth. To something totally fixable.
June 2012
Since then we moved to bountiful, we like it here. And just before we moved I got a job in an optical in West Valley. Much different running style with a doctor that was mostly concerned with the money he took home to his 3 million dollar house. After 3 months his business was doing the normal end of summer slow down. He was worried. Out of the blue one day called me in and let me go.
March 2013
Another optical job came up. In Cottonwood Heights. It seemed wonderful at first. But very different from my training. They had a strong lens cutter and kept no real inventory list. The owner started training me but then stopped talking to me. She had so much garbage at home that she would carry in. It got to where she would only talk to me when I made a mistake and not to teach me or help me.
April 16, 2013
I walked into work and she said "it's just not working."
This was alright. I have started some serious anxiety meds since working there. There was a lot of alcohol moving through that office. No one went to church. And there were so many drug stories within the families of those I worked with. I almost wonder if my "death Nell" was when asked "Do you have all of these problems in your family?" I could honestly answer -No-
So again. I am out of a job. It is really hard to not wonder what is wrong with me. And I do want to do some of that so that I can learn, reset and restart. But the nasty voices in my head work their hardest too.
I am looking back and wondering if that first 4 times I said No was where I should have stayed with that? We would probably have not moved which I think we needed. Am I a total, screw up or have I just been in bad situations.
Maybe optical is not for me.
But then
I am an excellent buyer.
I Rock at inventory,
I Rock at frame adjusting.
I am very good at helping people select.
I hate insurance and dealing with money. That's where i struggle. But I'm getting closer to figuring it out. If only someone would train me. Because quite honestly I have done ALL of the above on VERY little training. And I love working in the optical.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Are you there God? It's me Mel.
As a child, I grew up with a very close relationship with my Father in Heaven. I talked with him often and always felt him near.
As I grew older I thought I had enough answers and could decide some things for myself. Even justifying as I went along. Thus in my mind I pushed Him away saying I knew better. I was never a bad person, I just stopped following promptings.
I have struggled since then to feel him. I have wondered if he left me. How can I bring him back?
The thing is I know he hasn't left me. I am still blessed daily. I still see his hand in all the world around me. I do feel his love. But I search for his prompting and have forgotten what that feels like. I am not good at sitting patiently. I want to be busy. So I keep trying. Keep moving forward, keep taking giant leaps hoping he will catch me. Knowing they may be little steps to something, but not quite sure if I am anywhere near the course he has in mind for me. Maybe thats part of why he is holding back. Maybe he wants me to lean to wait for him. I read in a book today
"Let Go, and let God"
It's probably scripture. See, thats another failure. I have read the scriptures. I look in them for answers and encouragement. but it seems often that the scriptures I'm led to are -wars and rumors of wars. Death and destruction. Kind of hard to understand if those are trying to tell you something when you already feel that way inside. But then sometimes I open them and I am told something enlightening. Such as the day I sat down and found. (my own underlining added)
Alma 37
11 Now these mysteries are not yet fully made known unto me; therefore I shall forbear.
12 And it may suffice if I only say they are preserved for a awisepurpose, which purpose is known unto God; for he doth bcounsel in wisdom over all his works, and his paths are straight, and his course is cone eternal round.
As I grew older I thought I had enough answers and could decide some things for myself. Even justifying as I went along. Thus in my mind I pushed Him away saying I knew better. I was never a bad person, I just stopped following promptings.
I have struggled since then to feel him. I have wondered if he left me. How can I bring him back?
The thing is I know he hasn't left me. I am still blessed daily. I still see his hand in all the world around me. I do feel his love. But I search for his prompting and have forgotten what that feels like. I am not good at sitting patiently. I want to be busy. So I keep trying. Keep moving forward, keep taking giant leaps hoping he will catch me. Knowing they may be little steps to something, but not quite sure if I am anywhere near the course he has in mind for me. Maybe thats part of why he is holding back. Maybe he wants me to lean to wait for him. I read in a book today
"Let Go, and let God"
It's probably scripture. See, thats another failure. I have read the scriptures. I look in them for answers and encouragement. but it seems often that the scriptures I'm led to are -wars and rumors of wars. Death and destruction. Kind of hard to understand if those are trying to tell you something when you already feel that way inside. But then sometimes I open them and I am told something enlightening. Such as the day I sat down and found. (my own underlining added)
Alma 37
11 Now these mysteries are not yet fully made known unto me; therefore I shall forbear.
12 And it may suffice if I only say they are preserved for a awisepurpose, which purpose is known unto God; for he doth bcounsel in wisdom over all his works, and his paths are straight, and his course is cone eternal round.
13 O remember, remember, my son Helaman, how astrict are the commandments of God. And he said: bIf ye will keep my commandments ye shall cprosper in the land—but if ye keep not his commandments ye shall be cut off from his presence.
14 And now remember, my son, that God has aentrusted you with these things, which are bsacred, which he has kept sacred, and also which he will keep and cpreserve for a dwise purpose in him, that he may show forth his power unto future generations.
15 And now behold, I tell you by the spirit of prophecy, that if ye transgress the commandments of God, behold, these things which are sacred shall be taken away from you by the power of God, and ye shall be delivered up unto Satan, that he may sift you as chaff before the wind.
16 But if ye keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them) behold, no power of earth or hell can atake them from you, for God is powerful to the fulfilling of all his words.
17 For he will fulfil all his apromises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers.
I am trying. I am trying to follow the commandments. Not just the ones the world still accepts but the ones the world struggles with. I KNOW God lives. I KNOW it. I have never questioned that. I just wonder what My role in it is. I know he has me here for some reason. I know he gave me unique talents. I just wish I could figure out what they are and use them for his benefit and to enrich myself.
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