Realizing

Just spent the past hour analyzing my son and preparing a school accommodations plan for him.

Going to those and learning/ hearing just how much work it takes for my boy to get through a day of school breaks my heart. He is not able to be the caring, empathetic person I see because it takes every ounce of him to hold himself together. Then the slightest thing will set him off and ruin the productiveness and the attitude for the rest of the day.

All along I have blamed his Dad for the social issues. He is SO much like his Dad. But today it hit me how all his emotional issues are probably mine. The things I have tried to bury and not let have a place in my life. But burying it, not acknowledging it, pretending its not there. Doesn't make it true. It just puts it somewhere deep to fester and grow. And tear you apart from the inside out.

Now I am trying to give place to these things for myself. Trying to figure out what needs I actually have and give value to them. But now they are staring me in the face. I hid them away from everyone pretending my bluster of confidence while the inside scream from the damage. My son wears them on his sleeve. I kind of appreciate that he isn't hiding it but it makes him an odd kid.

In the end neither of us have a good coping method.

Maybe I should go to school for psychiatry. I can finally figure myself out while learning how to help my kids.