I have started running again. I downloaded a prep for 5k app. (lolo easy5k) The man that does it talks you through the intervals. Music plays to the beat helping to set the pace. It has been good. I know I am not reporting to anyone but I feel like I have to check in and "show up" for my run every other day.
I really don't "Love" running. But I do like how I feel when I'm done. I like the pushing through to the end. I like the shower afterwords.
I saw on Good Morning America a Hula Hoop workout. It makes sense to me. The abs have to really work to keep that thing going. So I bought a hula Hoop today. I hurt my shoulder. Figures. Oh well I'll work at it and try to use those core muscles.
Yesterday was a hard day looking at social/ emotional problems of my kids and of course myself. But There were a couple of little blessings from the day. Getting to my sons school there were 2 parking spots available to choose. I passed one to get to the other. When I got out of my car I saw that someone had emptied their bowl of Fruit Loops onto the ground. right where I would have stepped If I had chosen the closer spot. So I am taking that as a blessing.
The other blessing. The hubs gave me his debit card to grocery shop. he told me an amount I could spend. I made up a menu and my list. We quickly got those items and I knew I had plenty of money to go. I made some Real steps towards some food storage. When we rung up I hit Right at the limit. then the shopper card kicked in and dropped us down by 1/4th. I was so thrilled. We got home and all the kids pitched in to clean the pantry and the fridge so we could get it all nice and organized. It was funny how good we all felt to have done that. I decided I will credit the cost and the joyfulness of my house afterwards to being another blessing. And I am thankful.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Realizing
Just spent the past hour analyzing my son and preparing a school accommodations plan for him.
Going to those and learning/ hearing just how much work it takes for my boy to get through a day of school breaks my heart. He is not able to be the caring, empathetic person I see because it takes every ounce of him to hold himself together. Then the slightest thing will set him off and ruin the productiveness and the attitude for the rest of the day.
All along I have blamed his Dad for the social issues. He is SO much like his Dad. But today it hit me how all his emotional issues are probably mine. The things I have tried to bury and not let have a place in my life. But burying it, not acknowledging it, pretending its not there. Doesn't make it true. It just puts it somewhere deep to fester and grow. And tear you apart from the inside out.
Now I am trying to give place to these things for myself. Trying to figure out what needs I actually have and give value to them. But now they are staring me in the face. I hid them away from everyone pretending my bluster of confidence while the inside scream from the damage. My son wears them on his sleeve. I kind of appreciate that he isn't hiding it but it makes him an odd kid.
In the end neither of us have a good coping method.
Maybe I should go to school for psychiatry. I can finally figure myself out while learning how to help my kids.
Going to those and learning/ hearing just how much work it takes for my boy to get through a day of school breaks my heart. He is not able to be the caring, empathetic person I see because it takes every ounce of him to hold himself together. Then the slightest thing will set him off and ruin the productiveness and the attitude for the rest of the day.
All along I have blamed his Dad for the social issues. He is SO much like his Dad. But today it hit me how all his emotional issues are probably mine. The things I have tried to bury and not let have a place in my life. But burying it, not acknowledging it, pretending its not there. Doesn't make it true. It just puts it somewhere deep to fester and grow. And tear you apart from the inside out.
Now I am trying to give place to these things for myself. Trying to figure out what needs I actually have and give value to them. But now they are staring me in the face. I hid them away from everyone pretending my bluster of confidence while the inside scream from the damage. My son wears them on his sleeve. I kind of appreciate that he isn't hiding it but it makes him an odd kid.
In the end neither of us have a good coping method.
Maybe I should go to school for psychiatry. I can finally figure myself out while learning how to help my kids.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
History
Anger is not an addition in your daily mathematical problem. It is an exponent. It multiplies whatever you are doing. More than anything it serves as a vehicle for isolation. When you have already been isolated by injury, Anger creates a real sense of hopelessness.
Steven Tobolowsky, the Tobolowsky files podcast
December 09
My neighbor asked me to come work in their optical. I thought they were crazy. I was a hair stylist. I said no. They asked again. And again and one more time. (Right now, looking back I think I accepted because it kept coming up, maybe there was something to that. But now I wonder if I should have said no one last time.) I worked there for a year and a half. I enjoyed it so much. I was the buyer. I managed the inventory. And I was Good at that. I also cut the lenses. I loved my job. One year later they expanded the office. I helped anywhere I could. While moving my work multiple times. Finally in a new location I set up my work space. And I thought things were going well. Except for one new component. The doctors wife.
My long time friend started coming into the office to check on the remodel. But then started running everything. She started whittling away at the things I enjoyed about my job to make room for little things that any of the 4 other employees had more time and resources to do anyway. She is excessively into details. The way I explain it is she pulls out one puzzle piece and questions it to death wanting to complete the puzzle without ever looking at the rest of the pieces.
Her management style brought tension, stress and second guessing everything in the office. One of the girls started stirring everyone up against this making everything worse. It finally came up with my friend. I spoke to my friend As a friend to let her know that the office was very tense. I was scared and didn't say what I wanted to very well. In the end I brought up the problem that the other girls wanted addressed. Then when it was brought to them they back peddled, leaving me hanging. I was given the following choice.
"The other ladies said they still like you and would be alright if you stayed. But if you thought I micromanaged before I will be over you with everything you do. Or you can choose to leave"
I saw no choice there. That was the last time I had any association with that friend. I felt like 7 years of friendship, trust, help, traded-best friend children meant nothing to the discomfort of truth. To something totally fixable.
June 2012
Since then we moved to bountiful, we like it here. And just before we moved I got a job in an optical in West Valley. Much different running style with a doctor that was mostly concerned with the money he took home to his 3 million dollar house. After 3 months his business was doing the normal end of summer slow down. He was worried. Out of the blue one day called me in and let me go.
March 2013
Another optical job came up. In Cottonwood Heights. It seemed wonderful at first. But very different from my training. They had a strong lens cutter and kept no real inventory list. The owner started training me but then stopped talking to me. She had so much garbage at home that she would carry in. It got to where she would only talk to me when I made a mistake and not to teach me or help me.
April 16, 2013
I walked into work and she said "it's just not working."
This was alright. I have started some serious anxiety meds since working there. There was a lot of alcohol moving through that office. No one went to church. And there were so many drug stories within the families of those I worked with. I almost wonder if my "death Nell" was when asked "Do you have all of these problems in your family?" I could honestly answer -No-
So again. I am out of a job. It is really hard to not wonder what is wrong with me. And I do want to do some of that so that I can learn, reset and restart. But the nasty voices in my head work their hardest too.
I am looking back and wondering if that first 4 times I said No was where I should have stayed with that? We would probably have not moved which I think we needed. Am I a total, screw up or have I just been in bad situations.
Maybe optical is not for me.
But then
I am an excellent buyer.
I Rock at inventory,
I Rock at frame adjusting.
I am very good at helping people select.
I hate insurance and dealing with money. That's where i struggle. But I'm getting closer to figuring it out. If only someone would train me. Because quite honestly I have done ALL of the above on VERY little training. And I love working in the optical.
Steven Tobolowsky, the Tobolowsky files podcast
December 09
My neighbor asked me to come work in their optical. I thought they were crazy. I was a hair stylist. I said no. They asked again. And again and one more time. (Right now, looking back I think I accepted because it kept coming up, maybe there was something to that. But now I wonder if I should have said no one last time.) I worked there for a year and a half. I enjoyed it so much. I was the buyer. I managed the inventory. And I was Good at that. I also cut the lenses. I loved my job. One year later they expanded the office. I helped anywhere I could. While moving my work multiple times. Finally in a new location I set up my work space. And I thought things were going well. Except for one new component. The doctors wife.
My long time friend started coming into the office to check on the remodel. But then started running everything. She started whittling away at the things I enjoyed about my job to make room for little things that any of the 4 other employees had more time and resources to do anyway. She is excessively into details. The way I explain it is she pulls out one puzzle piece and questions it to death wanting to complete the puzzle without ever looking at the rest of the pieces.
Her management style brought tension, stress and second guessing everything in the office. One of the girls started stirring everyone up against this making everything worse. It finally came up with my friend. I spoke to my friend As a friend to let her know that the office was very tense. I was scared and didn't say what I wanted to very well. In the end I brought up the problem that the other girls wanted addressed. Then when it was brought to them they back peddled, leaving me hanging. I was given the following choice.
"The other ladies said they still like you and would be alright if you stayed. But if you thought I micromanaged before I will be over you with everything you do. Or you can choose to leave"
I saw no choice there. That was the last time I had any association with that friend. I felt like 7 years of friendship, trust, help, traded-best friend children meant nothing to the discomfort of truth. To something totally fixable.
June 2012
Since then we moved to bountiful, we like it here. And just before we moved I got a job in an optical in West Valley. Much different running style with a doctor that was mostly concerned with the money he took home to his 3 million dollar house. After 3 months his business was doing the normal end of summer slow down. He was worried. Out of the blue one day called me in and let me go.
March 2013
Another optical job came up. In Cottonwood Heights. It seemed wonderful at first. But very different from my training. They had a strong lens cutter and kept no real inventory list. The owner started training me but then stopped talking to me. She had so much garbage at home that she would carry in. It got to where she would only talk to me when I made a mistake and not to teach me or help me.
April 16, 2013
I walked into work and she said "it's just not working."
This was alright. I have started some serious anxiety meds since working there. There was a lot of alcohol moving through that office. No one went to church. And there were so many drug stories within the families of those I worked with. I almost wonder if my "death Nell" was when asked "Do you have all of these problems in your family?" I could honestly answer -No-
So again. I am out of a job. It is really hard to not wonder what is wrong with me. And I do want to do some of that so that I can learn, reset and restart. But the nasty voices in my head work their hardest too.
I am looking back and wondering if that first 4 times I said No was where I should have stayed with that? We would probably have not moved which I think we needed. Am I a total, screw up or have I just been in bad situations.
Maybe optical is not for me.
But then
I am an excellent buyer.
I Rock at inventory,
I Rock at frame adjusting.
I am very good at helping people select.
I hate insurance and dealing with money. That's where i struggle. But I'm getting closer to figuring it out. If only someone would train me. Because quite honestly I have done ALL of the above on VERY little training. And I love working in the optical.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Are you there God? It's me Mel.
As a child, I grew up with a very close relationship with my Father in Heaven. I talked with him often and always felt him near.
As I grew older I thought I had enough answers and could decide some things for myself. Even justifying as I went along. Thus in my mind I pushed Him away saying I knew better. I was never a bad person, I just stopped following promptings.
I have struggled since then to feel him. I have wondered if he left me. How can I bring him back?
The thing is I know he hasn't left me. I am still blessed daily. I still see his hand in all the world around me. I do feel his love. But I search for his prompting and have forgotten what that feels like. I am not good at sitting patiently. I want to be busy. So I keep trying. Keep moving forward, keep taking giant leaps hoping he will catch me. Knowing they may be little steps to something, but not quite sure if I am anywhere near the course he has in mind for me. Maybe thats part of why he is holding back. Maybe he wants me to lean to wait for him. I read in a book today
"Let Go, and let God"
It's probably scripture. See, thats another failure. I have read the scriptures. I look in them for answers and encouragement. but it seems often that the scriptures I'm led to are -wars and rumors of wars. Death and destruction. Kind of hard to understand if those are trying to tell you something when you already feel that way inside. But then sometimes I open them and I am told something enlightening. Such as the day I sat down and found. (my own underlining added)
Alma 37
11 Now these mysteries are not yet fully made known unto me; therefore I shall forbear.
12 And it may suffice if I only say they are preserved for a awisepurpose, which purpose is known unto God; for he doth bcounsel in wisdom over all his works, and his paths are straight, and his course is cone eternal round.
As I grew older I thought I had enough answers and could decide some things for myself. Even justifying as I went along. Thus in my mind I pushed Him away saying I knew better. I was never a bad person, I just stopped following promptings.
I have struggled since then to feel him. I have wondered if he left me. How can I bring him back?
The thing is I know he hasn't left me. I am still blessed daily. I still see his hand in all the world around me. I do feel his love. But I search for his prompting and have forgotten what that feels like. I am not good at sitting patiently. I want to be busy. So I keep trying. Keep moving forward, keep taking giant leaps hoping he will catch me. Knowing they may be little steps to something, but not quite sure if I am anywhere near the course he has in mind for me. Maybe thats part of why he is holding back. Maybe he wants me to lean to wait for him. I read in a book today
"Let Go, and let God"
It's probably scripture. See, thats another failure. I have read the scriptures. I look in them for answers and encouragement. but it seems often that the scriptures I'm led to are -wars and rumors of wars. Death and destruction. Kind of hard to understand if those are trying to tell you something when you already feel that way inside. But then sometimes I open them and I am told something enlightening. Such as the day I sat down and found. (my own underlining added)
Alma 37
11 Now these mysteries are not yet fully made known unto me; therefore I shall forbear.
12 And it may suffice if I only say they are preserved for a awisepurpose, which purpose is known unto God; for he doth bcounsel in wisdom over all his works, and his paths are straight, and his course is cone eternal round.
13 O remember, remember, my son Helaman, how astrict are the commandments of God. And he said: bIf ye will keep my commandments ye shall cprosper in the land—but if ye keep not his commandments ye shall be cut off from his presence.
14 And now remember, my son, that God has aentrusted you with these things, which are bsacred, which he has kept sacred, and also which he will keep and cpreserve for a dwise purpose in him, that he may show forth his power unto future generations.
15 And now behold, I tell you by the spirit of prophecy, that if ye transgress the commandments of God, behold, these things which are sacred shall be taken away from you by the power of God, and ye shall be delivered up unto Satan, that he may sift you as chaff before the wind.
16 But if ye keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them) behold, no power of earth or hell can atake them from you, for God is powerful to the fulfilling of all his words.
17 For he will fulfil all his apromises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers.
I am trying. I am trying to follow the commandments. Not just the ones the world still accepts but the ones the world struggles with. I KNOW God lives. I KNOW it. I have never questioned that. I just wonder what My role in it is. I know he has me here for some reason. I know he gave me unique talents. I just wish I could figure out what they are and use them for his benefit and to enrich myself.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
beginning
I have no idea where to begin. I have pulled out my notebook with many thoughts, but I think I'll find a beginning to sum up where I am.
I am the 4th child of 6. I have 4 brothers and one begged for sister. I have great memories of my childhood. Lots of love and adventure. We took a trip every summer and had motor toys for the days in between. We were taught to work hard so we could play hard. My Dad had physical issues. He walked a little funny, and hurt all the time. This we recently found out when at age 67 it was finally realized he had a form of Muscular Dystrophy. But he never knew that before and never said a word about the pain. Just had the right toys to make us all keep up. Mom was firm and had to be with 6 excessively creative, playful kids who had a huge yard, Great neighbor kids and a whole small town at our disposal. We had a blast! We are all grown adults now with kids of our own. A group of kids that are on the cusp of moving out into their own world. Yet we still gather any chance we get. We laugh and play and eat and laugh some more.
I think what I want to get to is why I feel the way I do now. It will take a few posts to get there.
As a kid I had the normal Mom/daughter issues. In the heat of that I heard the phrase "You are my biggest disappointment" Words cut the deepest. Today I am newly 40. I am 5'4" and weigh 112 lbs I am slim with an unearned athletic build. I have always had a small appetite and am not a fan of Pop or heavy sauces. However I am a -trying to reform- sugar junkie.
My husband is a prosecuting attorney who will be running his second Iron Man Triathlon this summer. I have 3 teenage kids that really seem to still like their parents . The "teen Angst" we are dealing with is mostly emotional. So really we look like a good family that has little to complain about. So whats My problem?
I wanted to paint the picture because we all look at other people and say "If only I could be that... or go there... I would be happy.
I am happy. With my life, with my family, with my childhood, and my memories. But I am so incredibly down on Me. I have spent 40 years with horrible self esteem. I have this fake bluster of confidence that I put on to get me through things. It got me through High School, It got me through colorguard and through the Hubs Law school. It seems to get me into jobs but the lack of true confidence runs me out of them.
I used to have talents. I used to have goals, desires and motivation. but I can't remember what any of that was. I think I thought I had a lot to offer, and could cary myself along. I thought I could organize things and have strength moving forward. But then that little voice I know all too well says. "Stop being dumb." "Haven't you figured that out yet?" "Idiot". "That was so stupid." "Stop doing dumb things" "Just stop talking" "biggest Disappointment" "Idiot" "Idiot" "Idiot!!"
AAAuuugghhthhh. I just want it to stop. I am so tired of talking to myself this way, But it is one thing I am truly Way too good at. This cannot be my best talent.
So now I am 40. I am trying to find ME. I am trying to like myself. I'm trying to be a better version of me. But I have to figure out what that is. I want to be useful. I want to serve. I want to be here for my kids But I really like getting a paycheck.
My Dear Father in Heaven, I need Help. I need a guide. I am open to whatever you have in store for me. I am seeking Direction. I seek Faith and Trust. And a way to pay my phone bill.
I am the 4th child of 6. I have 4 brothers and one begged for sister. I have great memories of my childhood. Lots of love and adventure. We took a trip every summer and had motor toys for the days in between. We were taught to work hard so we could play hard. My Dad had physical issues. He walked a little funny, and hurt all the time. This we recently found out when at age 67 it was finally realized he had a form of Muscular Dystrophy. But he never knew that before and never said a word about the pain. Just had the right toys to make us all keep up. Mom was firm and had to be with 6 excessively creative, playful kids who had a huge yard, Great neighbor kids and a whole small town at our disposal. We had a blast! We are all grown adults now with kids of our own. A group of kids that are on the cusp of moving out into their own world. Yet we still gather any chance we get. We laugh and play and eat and laugh some more.
I think what I want to get to is why I feel the way I do now. It will take a few posts to get there.
As a kid I had the normal Mom/daughter issues. In the heat of that I heard the phrase "You are my biggest disappointment" Words cut the deepest. Today I am newly 40. I am 5'4" and weigh 112 lbs I am slim with an unearned athletic build. I have always had a small appetite and am not a fan of Pop or heavy sauces. However I am a -trying to reform- sugar junkie.
My husband is a prosecuting attorney who will be running his second Iron Man Triathlon this summer. I have 3 teenage kids that really seem to still like their parents . The "teen Angst" we are dealing with is mostly emotional. So really we look like a good family that has little to complain about. So whats My problem?
I wanted to paint the picture because we all look at other people and say "If only I could be that... or go there... I would be happy.
I am happy. With my life, with my family, with my childhood, and my memories. But I am so incredibly down on Me. I have spent 40 years with horrible self esteem. I have this fake bluster of confidence that I put on to get me through things. It got me through High School, It got me through colorguard and through the Hubs Law school. It seems to get me into jobs but the lack of true confidence runs me out of them.
I used to have talents. I used to have goals, desires and motivation. but I can't remember what any of that was. I think I thought I had a lot to offer, and could cary myself along. I thought I could organize things and have strength moving forward. But then that little voice I know all too well says. "Stop being dumb." "Haven't you figured that out yet?" "Idiot". "That was so stupid." "Stop doing dumb things" "Just stop talking" "biggest Disappointment" "Idiot" "Idiot" "Idiot!!"
AAAuuugghhthhh. I just want it to stop. I am so tired of talking to myself this way, But it is one thing I am truly Way too good at. This cannot be my best talent.
So now I am 40. I am trying to find ME. I am trying to like myself. I'm trying to be a better version of me. But I have to figure out what that is. I want to be useful. I want to serve. I want to be here for my kids But I really like getting a paycheck.
My Dear Father in Heaven, I need Help. I need a guide. I am open to whatever you have in store for me. I am seeking Direction. I seek Faith and Trust. And a way to pay my phone bill.
Monday, April 22, 2013
What this is
I have debated doing this for a while. I am on a journey. I have spent the past 40 years tearing myself down, questioning my value, and loosing myself. I am tired of it. This blog is for ME. If you found it, I hope you understand the journey I'm on and give me room for mistakes. The spelling will be fixed by spell check, the punctuation will be horrid, the posts will not be witty, but they will be honest. If you have something to say -Be Nice- I don't need any help second guessing myself. that parts More than covered.
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