As I grew older I thought I had enough answers and could decide some things for myself. Even justifying as I went along. Thus in my mind I pushed Him away saying I knew better. I was never a bad person, I just stopped following promptings.
I have struggled since then to feel him. I have wondered if he left me. How can I bring him back?
The thing is I know he hasn't left me. I am still blessed daily. I still see his hand in all the world around me. I do feel his love. But I search for his prompting and have forgotten what that feels like. I am not good at sitting patiently. I want to be busy. So I keep trying. Keep moving forward, keep taking giant leaps hoping he will catch me. Knowing they may be little steps to something, but not quite sure if I am anywhere near the course he has in mind for me. Maybe thats part of why he is holding back. Maybe he wants me to lean to wait for him. I read in a book today
"Let Go, and let God"
It's probably scripture. See, thats another failure. I have read the scriptures. I look in them for answers and encouragement. but it seems often that the scriptures I'm led to are -wars and rumors of wars. Death and destruction. Kind of hard to understand if those are trying to tell you something when you already feel that way inside. But then sometimes I open them and I am told something enlightening. Such as the day I sat down and found. (my own underlining added)
Alma 37
11 Now these mysteries are not yet fully made known unto me; therefore I shall forbear.
12 And it may suffice if I only say they are preserved for a awisepurpose, which purpose is known unto God; for he doth bcounsel in wisdom over all his works, and his paths are straight, and his course is cone eternal round.
13 O remember, remember, my son Helaman, how astrict are the commandments of God. And he said: bIf ye will keep my commandments ye shall cprosper in the land—but if ye keep not his commandments ye shall be cut off from his presence.
14 And now remember, my son, that God has aentrusted you with these things, which are bsacred, which he has kept sacred, and also which he will keep and cpreserve for a dwise purpose in him, that he may show forth his power unto future generations.
15 And now behold, I tell you by the spirit of prophecy, that if ye transgress the commandments of God, behold, these things which are sacred shall be taken away from you by the power of God, and ye shall be delivered up unto Satan, that he may sift you as chaff before the wind.
16 But if ye keep the commandments of God, and do with these things which are sacred according to that which the Lord doth command you, (for you must appeal unto the Lord for all things whatsoever ye must do with them) behold, no power of earth or hell can atake them from you, for God is powerful to the fulfilling of all his words.
17 For he will fulfil all his apromises which he shall make unto you, for he has fulfilled his promises which he has made unto our fathers.
I am trying. I am trying to follow the commandments. Not just the ones the world still accepts but the ones the world struggles with. I KNOW God lives. I KNOW it. I have never questioned that. I just wonder what My role in it is. I know he has me here for some reason. I know he gave me unique talents. I just wish I could figure out what they are and use them for his benefit and to enrich myself.
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