beginning

I have no idea where to begin.  I have pulled out my notebook with many thoughts, but I think I'll find a beginning to sum up where I am.

I am the 4th child of 6. I have 4 brothers and one begged for sister. I have great memories of my childhood. Lots of love and adventure. We took a trip every summer and had motor toys for the days in between. We were taught to work hard so we could play hard. My Dad had physical issues. He walked a little funny, and hurt all the time. This we recently found out when at age 67 it was finally realized he had a form of Muscular Dystrophy. But he never knew that before and never said a word about the pain. Just had the right toys to make us all keep up. Mom was firm and had to be with 6 excessively creative, playful kids who had a huge yard, Great neighbor kids and a whole small town at our disposal.  We had a blast!  We are all grown adults now with kids of our own. A group of kids that are on the cusp of moving out into their own world. Yet we still gather any chance we get. We laugh and play and eat and laugh some more.  

I think what I want to get to is why I feel the way I do now. It will take a few posts to get there.

As a kid I had the normal Mom/daughter issues. In the heat of that I heard the phrase "You are my biggest disappointment"  Words cut the deepest. Today I am newly 40. I am 5'4" and weigh 112 lbs I am slim with an unearned athletic build. I have always had a small appetite and am not a fan of Pop or heavy sauces.  However I am a -trying to reform- sugar junkie.

My husband is a prosecuting attorney who will be running his second Iron Man Triathlon this summer. I have 3 teenage kids that really seem to still like their parents . The "teen Angst" we are dealing with is mostly emotional. So really we look like a good family that has little to complain about.  So whats My problem?

I wanted to paint the picture because we all look at other people and say "If only I could be that...  or go there... I would be happy.

I am happy. With my life, with my family, with my childhood, and my memories. But I am so incredibly down on Me. I have spent 40 years with horrible self esteem. I have this fake bluster of confidence that I put on to get me through things. It got me through High School, It got me through colorguard and through the Hubs Law school. It seems to get me into jobs but the lack of true confidence runs me out of them.

I used to have talents. I used to have goals, desires and motivation. but I can't remember what any of that was. I think I thought I had a lot to offer, and could cary myself along. I thought I could organize things and have strength moving forward. But then that little voice I know all too well says. "Stop being dumb." "Haven't you figured that out yet?"  "Idiot". "That was so stupid." "Stop doing dumb things" "Just stop talking" "biggest Disappointment" "Idiot"  "Idiot"  "Idiot!!" 

AAAuuugghhthhh.  I just want it to stop.  I am so tired of talking to myself this way, But it is one thing I am truly Way too good at.  This cannot be my best talent.

So now I am 40. I am trying to find ME. I am trying to like myself. I'm trying to be a better version of me. But I have to figure out what that is. I want to be useful. I want to serve. I want to be here for my kids But I really like getting a paycheck.

My Dear Father in Heaven, I need Help.  I need a guide.  I am open to whatever you have in store for me. I am seeking Direction. I seek Faith and Trust. And a way to pay my phone bill.